


Resurrection

by TomatoFujoshi



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Coming Out, F/M, M/M, Trans Character, mtf!Victor, transgender character, tries to follow canon at least up to a point (probably ep 11 but I don't know yet)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-12 16:39:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9080767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TomatoFujoshi/pseuds/TomatoFujoshi
Summary: Victor knows the image he is representing isn't him, but he doesn't know who he really is either. So when an opportunity to explore that presents itself who wouldn't take it.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [caffeineandjetfuel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/caffeineandjetfuel/gifts).



> This will be slow. This is will focus on Victor figuring out who he is.  
> There is likely a mess of pronouns ahead as pieces fall together. 
> 
> The experiences described in here are in no way universal, but they are very possible.

Victor had always been drawn to femininity. He never made much of it. 

It felt natural and it drew the audiences to him.   
They were pulled in by his fluidity between male and female motifs.  
At that point he just thought he loved the attention.

His dances would reflect himself and he was happy with it.   
There never was a question to why that was his go to way of expressing himself.   
Only when he moved up from the Junior Division did people start to question it.   
He’d started puberty didn’t he want to look more like a man, charm the audience in a more mature way. 

 

Everyone told him it would be best if he cut his hair. Yakov was loudest.   
So he did.   
He hated it.   
It was cold and uncomfortable. Too light.   
“You’ll get used to it”   
He didn’t. 

His costumes got more masculine.   
They didn’t feel like part of him anymore.  
Like they weren’t tailored for him but someone else. They still let him move freely like any other costume and he couldn’t pinpoint why they were so ill-fitted but they were. 

His choreographies still kept part of the flow they had for him before, but he was told to make his moves bolder, less soft.   
Stronger instead of more fluid. 

 

He could do it, but it was more work.   
It stopped being about him expressing himself after the first year in seniors, but he pressed on.  
It was his job, his passion. The fun would come back. 

But it didn’t. 

The longing for his past self just kept growing. 

He hated seeing the changes the different training and puberty made on his body. 

 

Something was wrong with him but he didn’t know what. As long as he was on top of the figure skating world he couldn’t stop.   
He couldn’t take time off on a whim.  
Something felt wrong but he couldn’t pinpoint it. 

 

It took him years of trying to work out what was wrong.   
Short haired, masculine Victor just wasn’t who he was.  
All of those seemed to be part off the problem but how could he solve any of this?

The young skater with long hair and feminine moves. That was him without a doubt.   
But how could he get him back?   
Yakov would never let him turn back time on his skating.   
Yakov would stop him.  
Yakov...

Why was Yakov the rock on his road.  
How could he get around Yakov to find who he was?

He wouldn’t find another coach now. Not one of them wouldn’t be blinded by his image.  
The image Yakov had build for him.

___________________

 

The video of the Japanese skater skating his program was his way out.   
Get a new start. Find himself. 

The program looked so much better done by the other man.   
Yuuri Katsuki, he remembered. 

He looked so right doing it.

For Victor it had felt like a mere act. Another costume to put on.   
But Yuuri.   
Yuuri looked like he was one with the music. Went with it. Perfected movements Victor never felt comfortable with.   
Created music with his moves when all Victor could do was surface level acting. 

 

Victor blushed as he remembered his first and last encounter with Yuuri.   
Them meeting after last year’s Grand Prix Final.   
Their dancing.   
Oh how good it had felt to let go. To be lead by the other on the dance floor. 

Victor decided to chase that feeling.   
The freedom of letting go. 

So he packed, send a quick message to Yakov that he wouldn’t be coming to training and booked the first flight to find Yuuri again. 

 

Of course Yakov tried to stop him, but there was no way Yakov could stop him now. This was so much more important than the skating he had grown so tired of.


	2. Tiny steps then a leap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this isn't to jumpy style wise...   
> but well it suddenly grew more plot than I thought... 
> 
> Thank you for so many Kudos just on the prologue! I hope you continue to read and like this fic :D

Victor’s arrival in Hasetsu didn’t go as well as he had thought it would. 

Yuuri was different off the ice and sober, but Victor couldn’t let himself be stopped by a little hitch now. He held some clue to his problem, he was sure. 

________________

 

Victor hadn’t been in Hasetsu for a week but things already felt like they were changing for him. 

He could feel some of that freedom he had felt in juniors again.   
The pressure of being in the public eye at all times had vanished, but not all was well again, there still was something. 

But what?

 

Victor desperately wanted to find the thing that still made him not himself, but right now there was another thing also on the forefront of his mind.   
Yuuri.   
It wasn’t easy to get through the other skater’s shell but Victor could see cracks now and then.   
Cracks that pulled him in closer. 

__________________

 

Victor still was on the ice a lot but the change from Yakov’s strict training regiments to just skating and training for himself, slowly made his body change.   
At least that’s what he thought. 

There were less angles.   
Everything seemed softer when he looked at his own body.  
He loved it.   
He wasn’t sure it was anything truly detectable outside of his mind but it felt too good so Victor tried to think about it as little as he could.   
Trying to celebrate the little steps to being himself. Doing his best to just do what felt right.

 

Yuuri’s training was going well too.   
He was allowed on the ice again so Victor could finally see the music without anything separating them.   
It was even better up close.   
How could no one else see the music?   
Feel the pulling force Yuuri’s skating had?

Yuuri was still a lot more distant in any non professional situations than Victor thought he would be, but there was still undeniable progress in getting to know each other. However small it was. 

__________________

 

Victor had finally managed to get Yuuri to enjoy some time outside of training with him when he made the mistake of posting a picture on his Instagram. 

Reporters were already gathered at the entrance to Ice Castle when they arrived for their training session that evening.   
How had they known this would be the location to find them from a picture of the castle of him and Makkachin?   
Why even did they bother.  
He could just be on vacation. 

As soon as he saw the gathering Yuuri retreated back into his shell.  
Victor did to an extend as well.   
He tapped into all the years of experience of dealing with reporters so close to his privacy to rebuild the walls he had knocked down almost as soon as he had left Russia. 

The Nishigoris were surprisingly good at keeping out the press. As was everyone at the Onsen, so the most they had to deal with the press was when they tried to move between the two places. 

Victor could do it for those short times. Could pretend he was still the same Victor the press knew.  
He would have go back to skate competitions soon enough.   
Only as a coach. But he had to go back. 

There was a time and place to reveal whoever was the true Victor.  
First he had to find him though.   
No use in showing the press some half truths they could twist.

 

The relative bliss of that arrangement didn’t last very long.   
For once someone had remembered one of the promises Victor had given them. One of the many he had given and forgotten about.   
And not only did he remember but cared enough to hunt Victor down for it’s fulfilment. 

Yuri put his journey of self discovery on hold.   
Yuri’s arrival seemed to have put more distance between Victor and Yuuri again. 

 

___________________

 

The Hot Spring on Ice tournament and the preparations for it went as well as Victor could have hoped. 

Yuri followed them just about everywhere and there was barely a minute alone to think.   
Not with the loud teenager in the room next to his. 

He had challenged both of his students to find something in them they hadn’t known to express on ice before.  
Part of it felt like a farce.   
He couldn’t even figure out that one part of him that kept hiding.   
How was he supposed to teach others to figure out what lays hidden inside of them?

But then he had have done something right. Both men seemed to slowly grow into their performances.   
Victor hoped for someone to step up and challenge him in the way he had done to the other skaters. Challenge him to find exactly what he needed to discover all of himself.   
Figure out whatever made him feel so wrong every so often. 

______________

He offered his old costumes to both Yuris for the competition, ready to talk them through the many choices. Assist them on the right choices.   
But Yuri wouldn’t take his advice when he tried and Yuuri took one look at one of Victor’s most loved costumes from his junior days and claimed it as his own. 

Right after choosing his costume and trying it on to see how it fitted, Yuuri rushed out of Victor’s room and ,as he discovered later, the house for more practice.   
The costume fit him remarkably well if Victor was to be asked, tight in all the right places and not too loose in others, bless spandex and that Yuuri at competing weight was around the same size as Victor had been as a teenager. 

_______________

Victor didn’t hear Yuuri come home that night.   
But then he didn’t hear a lot of things that went on outside of his head that night.   
He supposed someone could have come in and stolen everything but Makkachin and he wouldn’t have known.

Victor couldn’t even recall his thoughts in much detail. There were thoughts about Yuuri, about his junior days, even about Yuri’s motivations. But his thoughts just went in circles.   
Steadily morphing into one another. Coming to different conclusions.   
It was hard to remember any of it. 

He must have fallen asleep at some point because he woke up to Makkachin barking.  
Huh? 

It was light out and he could hear footsteps all around the house, but there was no one trying to wake him, so he didn’t seem to have overslept too badly. 

_____________________

The day was spend in a blur of preparations and getting ready.   
Both competitors getting ready in their own way, Victor torn between them as their coach. 

Then the event started and while it was very different to be on the other side of the barrier for a performance he choreographed, to be able to see directly what it had become there was still a lot of the same feelings he had when competing himself. 

 

Yuri’s performance of Agape was beautiful to watch. Technically flawless, but still missing something. 

Yuuri’s performance pulled Victor in, made him unable to look away.  
Not once has Yuuri done this well in performing Eros than he has that moment. His technical score isn’t perfect, but there is still time.   
A week isn’t long enough to completely refine a short program after all.   
Grasping the concept was more important here. 

Yuuri managed to capture Eros. Capture it well enough to have the crowd cheering.   
But something. Something was off about it in the back of Victor’s mind. He just couldn’t put a finger on it.   
Logically there wasn’t anything wrong with it. The judges agreed. The audience agreed. Victor had agreed while Yuuri had been performing.   
But now there was something nagging at him about it. 

He pushed that feeling back as not important. There was still time to change whatever part of Yuuri’s performance was off before the Grand Prix Series started.   
For now it was time to celebrate with his student.   
Celebrate his continued freedom from being around his old coach and rink mates. 

_______________

 

It wasn’t until later, much later, that Victor managed to sit down with just Yuuri and talk about the performance. Talk about the change in Yuuri’s presentation, what had prompted it. 

Victor learnt that Yuuri had tried to act as a beautiful woman during the performance instead of his beloved Katsudon.   
The little feeling of wrongness tried to come back to the forefront of Victor’s mind but he kept ignoring it.  
Now was a time to talk to Yuuri, not wonder about whatever his mind thought was wrong.   
But the feeling of wrongness kept nagging him until he parted with Yuuri and went to his room.   
His now blissfully silent room.   
He curled up around Makkachin and finally let himself think about what felt so wrong. 

Which of Yuuri’s words had made it come back?  
“Beautiful Woman”  
The feeling had returned when Yuuri had said those words.   
But why?  
It had always felt so very right when Victor had performed in similar ways so why did it feel wrong when Yuuri did it?  
Yuuri had chosen a costume that was made for a performance of fluid motifs, he had the right to perform them.   
Victor would have loved to be able to perform like that in Seniors.

Victor’s thoughts came to a sudden stop. 

He. He would have loved to perform like a woman. 

Yuuri’s performance wasn’t wrong.  
The feelings came because Victor hadn’t been allowed to perform like that. 

What did that mean?   
Victor knew he had been drawn to femininity. So why was this realisation so sudden and so important?   
What was the difference between before and now? 

Using feminine motifs - Being a beautiful woman that seduces men.


	3. Makkachin saves the day

Using feminine motifs - Being a beautiful woman that seduces men.

Feminine.  
Woman. 

Woman.  
Feminine. 

Just those two words kept circling around in Victor’s head.

Victor wasn’t sure what to do with that. It felt so important but he just kept chasing the words not coming to a conclusion.  
Just an endless circle with no escape.

Victor tried to sleep.  
He was exhausted after the long day, but his thoughts kept him from drifting off. 

 

———————————————

 

Victor couldn’t remember how long it took but he had managed to fall asleep lost in his thoughts once again.

He didn’t feel rested at all but he must have fallen asleep at some point as he had been startled awake by Makkachin licking his face.  
All he wanted to do was turn around and go back to sleep, but Makkachin needed a walk. If he didn’t get up now Makkachin would just continue trying to get him out of bed.

 

Getting dressed in whatever clothes he could find first it didn’t take long until Victor was being walked by Makkachin thoughts still circling around his discovery from last night. 

Huh? How did they end up at the beach?   
He released Makkachin from his leash so he could run freely and sat down on a rock looking down at the water.   
It was nice.   
He should bring Yuuri at some point.

Victor sat and watched as Makkachin splashed around in the shallow water not knowing how much time was passing.   
The first thought that invaded his circling thoughts was that it would be a drag to get Makkachin dry again, the long fur was like a sponge.   
His next thought lead him back to whatever his mind was failing to figure out:  
The breeze would feel amazing in longer hair, just like it had when he had been skating as fast as he could. 

He should grow it out. He no longer had a nagging coach.   
There no longer was anyone who could tell him he had to be manly. 

He had known that before.   
Known that from the moment he left Russia.   
So why was that realisation suddenly so important again? 

Before Victor could contemplate much more on the topic Makkachin barrelled into him from the side.   
Huh.   
He hadn’t even noticed he had left the water. Good thing he wouldn’t run away then. 

Time to head back and face the day, no point in thinking about something that he couldn’t resolve.   
It would come back to him he knew, but he also knew letting it rest for a bit might make things clearer in the end. 

 

Back at Yu-Topia Victor barely managed to get most of the sand out of Makkachin’s fur and dry him a bit before he ran off into the house towards the dining hall.   
Breakfast. Good idea. 

 

________________

 

The day passed without much happening. 

Victor spend his day lounging in the common areas of the Onsen chatting with people who knew English now and again, mind and body tired from not sleeping well, but he knew if he went to bed now things would only get worse in the following days. 

He saw Yuuri helping his parents who in turn seemed to try and get him to interact with Victor more. He was content to just watch for now.  
If Yuuri wanted to spend his time off with Victor he would come, but Victor didn’t want to deal with the rejection.   
Instead of coming to sit with Victor Yuuri vanished sometime in the afternoon, apparently going to Minako’s or Ice Castle even on his day off.

Victor wanted to follow him.  
See what he did there when alone, but he didn’t want to get out of the Onsen robes and stalking his student might not be the best course of action at this point in their relationship.

______________

 

Yuuri was back in time for dinner and Victor did his best to appear less drowsy than he felt. 

“Are you ready to train for real starting tomorrow?” Victor asked leaning on the table across from Yuuri, partially hoping to draw him into a conversation, but Yuuri just nodded and went back to eating in silence.

Victor was content with the silence if it meant he could stay this close to Yuuri, until remembered something. They weren’t going to train at a private rink. Ice Castle was open to the public and they would likely have to work around their business hours. Yuuri wouldn’t ever be able to afford his coaching fee if they had to add renting out the rink to that.

“When can we use the rink?” Victor tried to sound nonchalant. Like he hadn’t just had an important realisation and was thinking about his inexperience as a coach.   
“We could go during regular open hours as long as there aren’t classes. If we want privacy we’d have to go after the regular hours so seven I think” Yuuri answered “There are reduced hours in the summer and a closed day but I don’t remember which. It’s been 5 years and before I just went whenever I felt like it or to the classes I took” Yuuri shrugged at the end of his answer.  
“So on ice training in the evenings?” Not ideal but with getting used to so many jet lags throughout the years it shouldn’t be too hard to just adjust.  
“Yeah. I can train step sequences during open hours but it would be rude to endanger people if I fall during jumps”  
“So considerate, Yuuri~” Victor cooed before going back to what he hoped was a trainer voice “Then it’s set. We’ll start at 7 at Ice Castle. As your coach I’d advise you to warm up beforehand.”  
“I will.” Yuuri said looking down at his plate blushing. How cute. 

They fell back into comfortable silence after that and Yuuri all but vanished after he had finished eating.

Victor had no idea how to get to know the younger man properly if he kept vanishing, but now was not the time to dwell on it. He was feeling a lot more tired now that he had had a good meal and for once his mind seemed calm enough that he would be able to sleep properly.

So slowly went to his room and ready to sleep even if it was early in the evening. It was almost dark out and that was all that counted in Victor’s mind right now. 

He didn’t even fully remember getting into bed the next morning.

 

____________________

 

Victor woke with a start.   
It had been a happy dream and nothing outside had woken him but here he was awake.   
Woken up by a happy dream.

It was just that parts of the dream were so.   
Victor didn’t know a word for it.   
Important?   
Revealing?   
New?   
Right? 

Parts of the dream were blurry, in the process of being lost but other parts were still so vivid on his mind, like they had really happened. 

A banquet.   
Dancing.   
Dancing with Yuuri, not a battle but ballroom.   
Slow.   
Victor had been admiring Dream Yuuri’s looks when he saw himself.   
Well his reflection in Yuuri’s glasses. In the Mirrors on the walls.   
He knew he was himself but his dream self was softer.   
Longer hair.   
And the thing he noticed last, the thing which now seemed so important.   
He wasn’t wearing a suit.   
But a dress. 

It had been noticing the dress that had woken Victor.   
Not the dress itself but how right it had looked in the dream. 

He could never look like that could he?   
Not anymore.  
Not after puberty.

Was it really him?   
It looked more than a girl than Victor.   
But why had it looked right then? 

Thoughts from the night before came back. 

Using feminine motifs - Being a beautiful woman that seduces men.

Was dream Victor the real Victor?   
The Victor only he could see, while everyone just saw what they wanted to see. 

 

Victor always knew people would only see what they wanted to see and also how to play into that with his routines but he didn’t think he could deceive himself like that too.   
But it seemed like he had, didn’t it? 

Now that the thought was out there, at the forefront of his mind it seemed like it was right.   
It was the truth. 

What to do with that truth? 

Victor was at a loss. He didn’t have any friends or family close enough to talk to about something like this.  
He knew that people like him existed, but he had no idea how to go about any of it.   
Maybe he could do some research?

All of what he had heard about before was people knowing from the time they could think, walk, talk, etc. There was never anything big about being almost 30. 

Victor was almost afraid to start researching right away. 

What if he was wrong after all?   
He couldn’t bear being told he was wrong right after he felt so right, happy in this moment. 

It would have to wait at least until after breakfast, he decided.

Turning to his side Victor buried his face in Makkachin’s soft fur, waking the poodle in the process and making him snuggle closer to his owner, which lead to Victor hugging him as close as he could without suffocating or hurting his beloved pet. 

 

“Makkachin” Victor said into the poodle’s fur after a while “Would you still love just as much if I was your mom instead of your dad?”  
“Woof!” was the answer he got before Makkachin wriggled out of the tight hold Victor had on him to lick his face.   
“Stop it Makkachin” Victor pushed at Makkachin to get him off which only made the poodle more enthusiastic to show his love. “It tickles...” 

If Victor wanted he could get Makkachin to stop playing immediately.   
He was well trained, but a bit of playtime with his best friend, no matter how slobbery, was just what Victor needed right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I am inconsistent at updates. (yeah I realise this is only the second update but I also know myself)   
> It will likely stay inconsistent as I never know when inspiration strikes, when the plot wants to move forward.   
> I am doing my best to stay motivated by kudos and your brilliant comments, but RL might have it out for me right now.


End file.
